FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
