I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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