i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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