I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
