I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
