im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize