dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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