you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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