I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
