you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
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They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"