yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
