Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
