don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
