I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
