Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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