I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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