There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
