i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
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I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
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I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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