I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
