this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
In America we eat man semen.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Still dying that you shit outside
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
