So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
