There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
