My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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