I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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