I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
