Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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