I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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