i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
