hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
