I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
