yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
