Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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