grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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