Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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