Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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