Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My nipple is on Facebook.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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