My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
