There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
