my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
