So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
