you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Your penis caused this!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
