i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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