Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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