Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
