You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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