Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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