Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
