I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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