I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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