Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Acid is not a monday night drug
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
