LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
