he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
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I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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