there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
