My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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