you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
