Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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