I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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