you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
this boner is exhausting
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
