Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
In America we eat man semen.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
